remember back when life was grand and problem-free? everything was bright and new and simple and healthy. yeah, love it, they're good, fond memories.

    wait, i forgot. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING PROBLEMS. get over yourself and live your goddamn life. if you got too much on your plate, feed your leavings to the dogs and get up from the fucking table. i'm tired of users and abusers. your life isn't as bad as you think it is. i wish i had half the problems you have, you spoiled little shit. forgive me for the blunt point. i have to hurry to get it out before i'm too sedated to type.     

         martin was a no go. my anxiety is too bad.

    i'm heading off to college on the twenty-second.

    i just woke up from the weirdest dream i have ever had.

    first, i'm in this auditorium with amber, when caity, a girl i went to high school with, walks in in nothing but a pair of panties. she's very upset about the fact that her clothes have simply disappeared, so mr. ervin, one of my teachers from high school, attempts to console her by also stripping down nude. she is repulsed by his nudity and walks away, showing her bare body to every single person present, and i make sure to watch appreciatively as she leaves. once she's gone, bart, another guy i knew, rushes in in disbelief.

    i walk up the steps of the auditorium and tell an older woman that looks just like emily that i once considered running for public audience, then turn and see the real emily and her cousin ivy. i ask them if they're still planning on hanging out on the weekend of the twenty-fifth, and they confer for a moment. emily seems upset with me for some reason, so i ask her if there's something wrong. she angrily accuses me of sleeping with this fellow named johnny, and with everybody else who frequents his pool. so i investigate, and i'm suddenly on the beach. johnny is this beach bronzed fellow covered in blue sand, wearing a string around his neck from which three uncircumcised penises hang. i remember various people coming up to him and sucking blood out of him with syringes and depositing the blood in a big bag nearby, which gives me the idea to wrangle up a bag of water from his pool, and i said, "if i search your pool and find not my seed, then my innocence she must concede!"

    so next, i'm in a hospital, and i'm played by debra wilson, and for some reason, i'm intent of carving a sword out of wood harder than diamond. that's when i woke up and decided i had to write this down following a cigarette.

    oh my god.

    from a reply on myspace...

    i went to a private christian school when i was young. you could never hang out with who you wanted to, because you never had enough money and you were never pretty enough. you didn't always have the perfect snarky comment whenever the teacher gave out homework or the nerdy kid said anything. i don't wish for the old days to come back because the old days were just as bad as the new ones. and high school's just the beginning. everybody's always gonna look through their nostrils at you because you don't have the money, the clothes, the girls. hell, they're gonna look down on you simply because of your sense of humor or because you don't enjoy the same pasttimes they do. we spend our entire lives being someone else and buying things we don't need to impress people we only fool ourselves into liking. your place in the world doesn't reflect who you are. it's about what you have to offer and what you're willing to take.

    sorry for the long-winded reply. just a little rant that i hope you can appreciate.

morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent, unknowing
winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall
but i fear
i have nothing to give

wind, in time
rapes the flower, trembling on the vine
and nothing yields to shelter
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger
but i fear
i have nothing to give
i have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing i'd like better than to fall
but i fear
i have nothing to give

    i bought me a motherfuckin' super nintendo and chrono trigger, the latter of which should have come in the motherfuckin' mail today. but i'm not worried too much about it. i just really wanna play it. all original packaging, fifty bucks. pretty good deal, until i heard some sumbitch got him a copy identical to mine in pulaski for three fifty. oh well.

    chaos did this thing on his journal, so i gotta do it here. you comment on this topic and i'll tell you what i really think about you, no holds barred, god's honest truth. just suck it up when you find out i really don't like you.

    you actually probably won't have to worry about that. i like everybody.

    ha ha.

    i got curious, so i looked up super mario rpg, for the super nintendo, on amazon, only to learn that a brand new, factory sealed copy goes for five hundred and fifty dollars.

    oh. my. god.

    feel like you expend a little too much energy for too little in return? there's a way to fix that.

    ABANDON YOUR FRIENDS. THEY'D DO THE SAME FOR YOU.

    lie down in the grass here beside me, and i'll show you how you make me feel. i'll press my heel to your lips, and the last thing that goes through your head'll be my thirteens.

    just a sign that you care, honey. just a sign, that's all i need.

    so i just got out of the pen psych ward and i'm a changed man. the lord knows it, and the angels in heaven done signed my name, but that has nothing to do with this entry. i am proud to announce that i am happy for the first time in recent memory.

    let me take this time to tell you all about it! the showers were on timers, i got thirteen cigarettes a day, and the eggs came from a carton. i was the craziest person on my side after an elderly schizophrenic who used to be a scientist in the air force. i was the youngest on my side hands-down. the second was a young mother who rarely smiled, but lit up the room whenever she did. i told the nurses to give her a pack of cigarettes whenever i got out. they wrote her name on it in red marker, and i found out she was called barbara. the best introduction i could have asked for. there was a fellow in there named tony who had served in iraq the first time. he was a golden gloves boxer, two-oh-five and four. another fellow was a mail man for twenty-two years, had delivered television sets to james earl ray in prison, and told some of the funniest jokes i've ever heard. ask me about them, i might tell you a couple. there was an old man in there what took seventeen pills, three times a day to get situated, and another man, a real salt-of-the-earth, god-fearing former radio personality over in shelbyville who had taken down a few drug dealers and had to stay a few extra days to get into a group home.

    some of the most interesting people you'll ever meet are all in psych wards. you folks reading this are really missin' out. do yourselves a favor if you're not already doin' it and go a little more insane every day. you'll broaden your horizons, and they'll put you on some really good drugs, if you can just spare a week.

    but i guess, at the end of the day, you gotta ask yourself, "would i do it again?" and the answer is this: hell no. it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience and it should stay that way.

            so i got two doctor's appointments in the next two days. y'know how therapists won't normally be all like, "boy, you got sumpin' wrong witchoo?" well, mine kinda did, but she wanted to beat around the bush, yeah? she was all, "now, it's obvious to me that you have... some sort... of psychosis." she recommended medication as soon as possible, so tomorrow, i'm headin' in to see wardell and gettin' the oils i need to work out the kinks in my biomachinery. the next day, i see my therapist again.

             also, on that day, i'll be headin' up to cool springs. want me to pick you anything up? too bad. actually, i think it's that day. maybe it's the next. i should probably get in touch with emily. she's the one i'm goin' with after all. seeing as how i'm a bum, i don't gotta worry about work schedules like she does. she has my dream job, though. video games for the win.

             whoo?

you're the tree that you can't eat the fruit from
i heard horses come to ride me away
i want shade and a good place to shoot from
if i'm a clock, i'd be the end of the day
you know you're not the boss of me
you can lift your skirt, you can shake your hair
but i got all the time in the world

you're the ditch in the road where the wheels keep spinnin'
you're the same dead cat clawin' its way back grinnin'
you know you got a bad reputation and your nine lives way down the line
i got a jacket to put on and a hat to wear
i wouldn't waste a gallon on you out there
and i got all the time in the world

a bridge is only there for you to jump off of
and there ain't no rain clouds that are blue
i do declare my independence
baby, i shot off all my fireworks for you
the river's burning and the trees are on fire
there's lots of good rubber left on these tires
and i got all the time in the world

baby, you're the light that won't change that i got stuck at
you're the fan that won't work at the motel
they were all out of red; i got me a blue one
baby, you're always usin' mine; why don't you get you one?
i know you won't get very far
you left your blonde wig in the car
and i got all the time in the world

    might have trouble posting for a while. might lose a finger soon.

    so it's been an eventful week or so. i was talkin' to a couple friends of mine who said i could go to florida with them when they went. then they said i couldn't, so i couldn't. then they said i might be able to, maybe, then they said another friend was going with them. then that friend said he wasn't going with them and they simply neglected to get in touch with me. sound good to you? sounds to me like i can take a couple friends off my rapidly diminishing list. i am truly sorry, rachel, but i will not be able to visit you anytime soon.

    i finally applied to martin the other day. i still need to send my transcript in, so i'll probably do that today. i had a few friends over and we got drunk, but my mum hates it when i drink, so i might stop for her. she hates when i smoke, too, but i'm addicted to cigarettes, so no stopping that unless i don't got a choice.

    sister went to a psychic who said i was gonna go to martin and i was gonna be fine. he said my biological mother blames a lot of things on my father, that she's experimented with so many different drugs she could write a book, and that she's not all there in the head and is a frequent source of headaches for my grandparents (my adopted parents). michael also needs to slow down when he's driving. he drives too fast, apparently. i can attest to this, but don't tell him i said anything. =D

    i think i might go to that psychic. i had a tarot reading done once that said i'd probably end up in prison, but i'd have money and women. i'd also never get married. sounds like i may end up pimpin' the hoes, yeah? i should go out and buy my cane now.

    i bought tom waits' newest album yesterday, orphans: brawlers, bawlers, and bastards. those three discs are definitely worth the forty bucks i paid for them. you gotta lie to me, baby, oh, you gotta lie to me, baby, whoo, you gotta lie to me, baby, i have no need for the truth.

    yeah, so i hate everything, nothing's good enough for me, i smoke too much. what else is new?

    i miss you, rachel! where ya been? haven't felt much drive to write lately, but it'll come back. well, actually, that's not entirely sure. had plenty of drive to write, but i'm not doing so well at actually coming up with the words to say, whether on the final fantasy vii rp or on the livejournal front. i'm gonna have talmadge and emily and ivy and maybe josh and adam and jon over, and it's gonna be awesome on saturday. goin' to steve's tomorrow, which should also be awesome, and i just might be able to take advantage of an opening to florida so i can meet up with you, rachel. it sure would be nice to finally meet you after talking to you online for who knows how many years. four? five?

    we can bring back the old days again, when all the world was green.

    there's a lesson to be learned. NEVER FUCK ME OVER.

    all questions are stupid questions.

    you might have trouble finding me when time and space are ending, but i'm sure you wouldn't look if solitary success were a possibility. we live in a crazy calm and only brush the surface with our fingertips and feather brushes. we live on an island surrounded by yellow seas and burning bridges. we're suckers to that love dance and our masks are bruises. we wear layers of preconception, arms and legs tied with the strings of memory, our baggage weight leading us to the ocean floor, where death eludes us.

    content with the taste of blood, watch it take the horizon at about six am. the sun is our crew manager and the night is our single break, so we spend it away. we meet ourselves when we close our eyes, but we never really notice. fall asleep, fall asleep, be free for just a moment, to know love and life.

    your acquaintances are all dead and you are a zombie, ingesting the brain of irony and shadenfreude, never dying, never sleeping, never dreaming. fall asleep, fall asleep, just turn away from the window and put the soldiers out of your mind. there's nothing wrong with you.

    there's something wrong with you. there's something wrong with the world. all is right with the world. everything's falling apart. all signs point to progress. i'm wearing my stomach outside my body and blind children flail about with sticks. i'm swimming in a swimming pool filled with needles and everything's right with the world.

    no one can see you cry when it rains. maybe all that water will wash your hands for you, all the dirt and the tears and the blood a pool at your feet. dip in even a toe and the devil takes notice.

    don't be alarmed. shut your window, close the blinds, draw the curtains. go to sleep, fall asleep. all is right with the world.